It’s
a warm Summers evening and the sun is setting over the mountains. I look out
the back screen door and take a deep breath of the fragrant air. I close my
eyes and am taken back to the same smell in the air so many years ago.
It’s
a warm evening in August 1996. I
am sitting out on my front steps crying, wishing my children would just fall
asleep. The smell of fresh cut grass lingers in the air. I hear my neighbors laughter from their
back yard. The sound of a family playing outside late into the warm Summer
night. I envy them.
It
had been another long day of being a Navy wife and mom 24/7. Jeff had been
deployed several months of his six-month deployment to the Persian Gulf. It was his third long deployment in our
8 years together. He had been gone so much before the deployment too, doing
work ups and overnight duty section rotations. I missed him. Our children missed him. The days seemed eternal and the nights
too short. I was tired and
emotional.
In
those early days of our Navy career it was easy to feel sorry for myself.
Considering all that I had to do alone. Everything fell on me. Everyone relied on me. Some days were
overwhelming. Sick children, broken down cars, not enough money in the bank, and
not enough sleep. As they grew
older, I tried to stay on top of homework deadlines, school activities and
sports. Trying to meet the emotional and physical needs of three growing kids
when my tank was on empty. Some days were easy and some days I wish I could do
over. But I couldn’t have done it without the support of some great friends, my
faith, and the extended family that would swoop in and save my sanity when I
felt like running off to Antarctica…
ALONE.
Military
spouses, we do it because we LOVE our husbands/wives and we LOVE our children. We
do it because we are grateful for our nation. The responsibilities will either
make your marriage stronger or it will tear it apart. It is never easy, never. It’s a choice. And with the hardships there is also great
reward. Just show up to a homecoming. I wish all marriages could experience
that longing. It’s part of the glue that binds military families together.
After
almost 26 years as a Navy wife, it is still not easy to be away from the man
that I love. In fact, in many ways it’s harder. Our children are grown; our
house is empty of the demands. I have more time than ever to nurture myself, my
husband and our relationship. This
is our season to get to know our mid-life selves, find new hobbies and go places
together. I long for his presence
now, more than ever. Not because I
need help around the house, or could use a break from demands. But because he
is my best friend, has been since we were 21. The one who knows me better than
anyone else, and yet has so much more to learn. We are getting older, we can’t
help that, Lord knows. It’s
evident every day. We have known
many couples in recent years that’ve unexpectedly lost the love of their life.
It’s heartbreaking. As much as we want forever, none of us are promised a long
life together.
Stick
with me here, I’m not trying to depress you all!
I
had a “Ahh-ha” moment one day not too long ago as I was driving to Portland for
a family event without Jeff. He was out to sea for a few weeks at the
time. I had a brief twang of
self-pity on I-5 South (in your most depressing voice…). “Here I am again, all
alone, he’s always gone…blah blah blah”.
But as fast as it came over me, it passed and I was brought to tears
with the realization that my sweet husband has missed SO much more than I could
ever dream of.
“Stop
feeling sorry for yourself!” I demanded.
In
his almost 28 year career with the US Navy, he has been away nearly 11 full
years. Add up all the long
deployments, work ups, duty days and few years living apart. 11 years! 4015 days give or take a few. 4015 breakfasts, lunches, and
dinners. Multiply that by 3 beautiful little children and he missed 12,045
precious hugs around his neck. 4015 bedtime stories and sounds of “goodnight
daddy.” He missed his birthdays, kids birthdays, our anniversaries and
holidays. Trips to the pumpkin patch, Christmas tree farm and Easter egg hunts.
First steps, first foods, first days of school, first dates, first dance, first
day of college, cross country trips, family vacations.
I
was there; I was a part of all of those special moments. Yes, I was without my
husband, but I was there. I felt those little arms and smelled those sweet
necks. I have those moments in my memory. He only has the memories of being
told and some photo’s to share in the excitement.
It’s
my desire to never feel sorry for myself for being alone as a military wife
again. It’s been my privilege to support this man as he served and did his job.
His sacrifices have allowed me to be a stay home mom and wife for many years,
so that I only worked when I needed to or desired to. He gave when I’m sure his
tank was empty. He supported me
when I went through depression and anxiety. Sure, sometimes he disconnected
emotionally, because he HAD to, so that it wouldn’t hurt as much to say goodbye
to his family. So that he could
focus on the task of serving our Nation. So that he could do his job well. That could break a lot of men and
women, even the toughest nuts. They have to learn to separate their emotions,
and say good bye….over and over again.
What a difficult responsibility!
*******
I close the back door. I check all the locks. And I crawl into
bed alone. As I pull his pillow close to me, I say a prayer of thanksgiving. I
am thankful for all that I have been given. The easy and the hard. The good and the bad. The strengths and the weaknesses.
I
lie in the dark thinking about our past, and our future. How the past 7 months
have been a roller coaster ride of decision making. How the more I try to control what goes on around me, the
more I realize each day has an agenda of its own. All that energy that I put into planning far into the
future yesterday doesn’t matter today. It was a waste of precious time. We try
to make our plans, but God directs our steps. Daily. Hourly. Moment by moment.
We
planned to go to Hawaii, God redirected our steps. We planned to go to Washington DC, but God has redirected
our steps once again. I hesitate
to share that we are now planning to retire after 28 years. God may decide to
redirect our paths once again. I
don’t know for certain what tomorrow will bring. However, the letter has been sent, and we are waiting to
make it official. It’s about as for sure as we can know.
As
we wait, there are two things I am certain about…(1.)That Gods plan is always
the one I want to be a part of.
And (2) I don’t want to see my husband miss any more everyday moments in
our life together.
Serenity
Prayer
Courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a
time;
Accepting hardships as the
pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this
sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make
all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably
happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
**This is my experience as a Navy wife, I know there are so many moms that have to do it alone every day who don't have the emotional or financial support of a spouse. You are so strong and courageous! Your children will look back and appreciate your sacrifices. I understand that tiredness and I want to thank you too, for putting one foot in front of the other, pressing on. You are appreciated!
