Teaching Wednesday....And the muffin top....

Let me start by saying that if you don't own a nice looking work out 

outfit...go buy one!   I should have used mine for the gym instead of 

wearing it to work in the yard or painting furniture or running (not

literally, of course) to Costco.

About 3 weeks ago I was at home and had a unusual pressure in my

chest.  At first, I thought was having an anxiety attack, but it felt different

than that.  It really scared me.  It only lasted a few minutes and although

I felt strange afterwards, I decided not to go to the ER.  I did make a 

doctor appointment for the following week.

During the doctor appointment my blood pressure was high for me.

They did an EKG and it appeared there was nothing significant.

But because of my family history of high blood pressure and heart 

disease she scheduled a treadmill stress test.

That brings me to the work out outfit...

The instructions for the stress test were to "wear two pieces, 

tennis shoes, and a large loose top."  Seems simple enough, right?

Well, last night I started looking for an "outfit". I know, I know, it sounds

silly to have to think about this.  But I am not a little woman, and I

I have big "girls" (Sorry, TMI...) and the thought of those "girls" being 

let loose under a large loose top while jogging on a treadmill just about

put me in a panic attack!

My husband was sitting in bed watching TV...and me.

"Just throw on whatever you would wear to the gym!" (like, duh?)

"I don't GO to the gym, Jeff! I don't HAVE a gym outfit. 

What about these jeans and shirt?"

(laughing) "That's silly, you can wear MY sweat pants and T-shirt."

Ummmmm, no thanks honey:)

After a lot of laughing and envisioning the "girls" on the loose, knocking out

every Dr. in their way, and the possibility of giving myself black eyes, I found

my "yoga" pants.  Out of style and faded, they would have to do.  I also decided

on a zip up shirt, also out of style...but loose.  At the last minute I threw on a tight

fitting tank top under the shirt.  The best part of the outfit was my sneakers. Fairly

new, and bright white.  Its easy to keep them clean when you don't wear them.

This morning I got dressed in the dysfunctional flashback outfit.  Feeling very 

self conscious, but pressing on, I showed up to the clinic.  I was the only woman in

the waiting room, and at 45, I was the youngest by a good 15 years.  Gray was the hair color of the day.

I was called back to the room by a lovely woman.  A private room. Whew.  She asked me what I was wearing under my jacket. (Huh? what happened to wearing a loose shirt??) 

Ummm, a very tight and UGLY... tank top.

"Perfect, hang your jacket there and pull your top up tucking it under your bra"

Really!!? I like the idea of "hanging out" under a large T-shirt better than having my spare tire (that hasn't seen the sun since 1989) hang out.  "Ummmm, ok..."  

We then had small talk about my neighborhood as she shaved my skin and stuck stickers all over my chest, hips, and back.  She then used some sort of power tool and I briefly felt like Frankenstein. Let me clarify that I do not have a man hair chest. They shave EVERYONE. 

Next, she attached the handful of wires. I was ready to receive HBO and the Internet.

As she explained the process, the following words stood out  "Today is teaching Wednesday, so there will be about 5 Doctors in to watch and monitor you."

FIVE!!?? Please, just let me drop dead right now. As if having your ghostly white muffin top hanging over your faded yoga pants isn't enough...lets add 5 middle aged men to the room to watch me heave and gasp for air while the "girls" bounce all over town.  Again, if this doesn't CAUSE a heart attack I don't know what will.  

About that time they all marched in.  I became a class project.  10 eyes, 5 stethoscopes all on my chest, speaking about my history, risk factors, blah, blah, blah...

Then....the machine started.  First 3 minutes...ok, easy.  Next 3 minutes, higher elevation...still fine.  Another 3 minutes, steeper and faster...wow, I can feel this.  My blood pressure was getting higher. I reached my target and was able to stop.  I am grateful that although my blood pressure needs to be monitored, my heart didn't show problems.

I laid on the table while they continued to monitor the pressure.  Meanwhile, muffin top still hanging out, gasping for air,  and all 5 standing over me explaining the results.  I really wanted to grab my jacket and get the heck out. When they were done,  I peeled off the stickers, and wiped off the gel, said thank you and good bye.

As I left I was reminded about the time I went to the Dr. for an ear infection.  

"You have tiny ear holes" he said.

"Oh, is that a problem?"

"No, hold on."  " Hey (calling out to the intern in the hallway) come here!"  "Look at these ear holes. Aren't they the smallest you have ever seen?"

Wow, really?

As of this moment, I'm scouring the sale ads for a new gym outfit.  Only this time, I plan to GO to the gym.